Birthday Fun

Parents hate teachers. I know it. Here's how I figured it out: Birthday parties.

It might be April or May-- One of those warm spring months when everyone just wants to be outside playing, but can't because there's enough rain to start the next great lake. It's your child's birthday.

He thinks: I'm going to have a great big class-wide birthday party! All of my friends will be there. It will be awesome!

You think: Ok, remember that D my child got on his last report card? Revenge!

You say: Jimmy! Your birthday is on Thursday! Here's what we're going to do... Get a cake that's the size of a small pony for you to share with your little class. I don't want you to bring any home. Mommy is on a diet and doesn't want to see the cake. We're also going to buy ice cream-- at least two flavors, because not everybody likes vanilla! Again, remember, Mommy's on that diet. Eat every last bit of that ice cream. Love the sugar-high. BE the sugar high. But wait! I just had another idea! BALLOONS! They make great punching bags and you won't get anything done all day because you will all be lusting after the balloons in the back of the classroom. AND you will be the most popular kid in your class.

Well, dear mother of my student, I have some news for you... I'm going to give that sugar to your child right before I send him home to you. Bring. It. On.

*For the record, I have a very supportive group of parents this year, and appreciate all their cooperation with their students' academics. This is nothing personal. This is survival.